I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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