so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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