Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
