I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
