dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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