I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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