piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
