Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
