Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
A+ Viking dick
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
