I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
