The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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