Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
