i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
