beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
