He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
