i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
