dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
