did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
