tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
