conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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