He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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