Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
