True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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