I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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