i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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