how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
