Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
