If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize