I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
