So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
