I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
