My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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