shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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