last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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