I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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