haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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