Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
