The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize