I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
