my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
