The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
