There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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