Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
