By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
