Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
