Need sex. Gaining weight.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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