You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
