we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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