Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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