sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize