I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
