Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Randomize