don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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