is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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