R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
