You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
